What Kind of Liar Are You?

What Kind of Liar Are You?

Do you lie? I do.

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I am not perfect, nor do I strive to be. But I do strive to be honest, fair and well intentioned. So you might imagine the shame and surprise I felt recently when I discovered I lie.

to In my anxiety over being late to teach a class, I parked in a lot with an expired permit. I was hoping I could keep the parking patrol at bay by altering and displaying an expired permit until I had enough time to purchase a valid permit. Ironically, it never dawned on me I was telling an actual LIE-LIE, until I returned from class to find two wheel locks on my car and a neon-colored decoupache made of my car windows that served as the backdrop to big, bold black letters reading: "You have falsified information." Oh, and a small citation of 50k  . It was a modern-day tar and feathering attack meant to evoke humiliation. It worked.

Unconsciously I minimized the parking permit policy as annoying and unnecessary, and, therefore, toyed with its importance. I was unaware of all the policies and underestimated the importance of adherence. I disagreed with the policy but the university had the authority. So I deceived the institution, deeming it socially acceptable. It didn't harm anyone, and, I rationalized, bending such insignificant rules enforced by law, governmentor institutional policy seemed innocuous and perhaps even deserved.

Still, it was a lie. And it got me thinking: Do lies come in shades of gray, degrees, if you will, making some lying socially acceptable, even a virtue in the right social context? If so, who determines these parameters and what motivates people to lie?

"There is hardly a legitimate everyday vocation or relationship whose performers do not engage in concealed practices which are incompatible with fostered impressions," said the late Sociology pioneer, Erving Goffman (1959). Paul Ekman, a pioneering psychologist of emotions and facial expressions said, "Lying is a central characteristic of life. Lies can be humane; even altruistic. Some social relationships rely on lies to preserve the myths they enjoy" (1988). Case in point, Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy.

Ekman defines lying as a deliberate choice to mislead a target without notifying the intent to do so. He identifies two forms of lying: Concealment, leaving out true statements, and Falsification, presenting false information as if it were true. Ekman further identifies other, less direct ways of lying:

1. Misdirecting - Identifying an emotion but not acknowledging what caused it.

2. Telling the truth falsely, or telling with such exaggeration or humor that the target remains misled

3. Half concealment (admitting only half the truth) to deflect the target's interest in what       is still concealed

4. Telling truth in a way that is opposite of what is said

5. Telling the truth with a twist.

Lying in the Office
Take a look around your office. How many lies are being told each day? Does your boss take the "team" to lunch on the corporate card, only to claim it as a client lunch on an expense report (Falsification)? Has an employee ever confronted you about potential lay-off concerns and you remain silent instead of confirming or denying rumors (Concealment) or play coy to what you know (Half Concealment) and only days later lay-off the employee? Do you say you're happy for a colleague who has been promoted while you feel resentment that you weren't instead? Perhaps you're in charge of your company's corporate communications and convey the company's financial standings to employees with a positive spin, despite knowing the opposite is true.

Lying At Home
What about at home? Do you promote the Santa Claus mythology with your children? Do you tell your husband nothing's bothering you when he asks, or say you're not feeling well instead of acknowledging you're upset with him? Are you having an affair? Are you flirtingon the internet and concealing it or minimizing the relationship and feelings you're experiencing? Are you canceling dinner plans citing the absent babysitter as an excuse, when you simply don't want to attend?

However trivial, important or socially altruistic, these are all lies. Yet we harshly judge others by their lies. Individually and culturally we tacitly measure how bad or understandable a lie is. We use our value systems and experiences to judge why people lie and to determine if we deem it justified. We debate: "Would I want to know if my spouse cheated on me once a long time ago?" or "Do I want to know if my significant other's mother thinks I am a lousy homemaker?" We wonder if we should divulge our own indiscretions. And we look to our politicians, religious leaders, teachers, sports figures and celebrities to uphold a moral code that, we ourselves, cannot uphold. Yet, we shame them. We boycott them. We demand resignations and explanations.

Why we lie is fascinating. But why we judge is ironic. We lie to self-preserve, for self-presentation, to gain something (status, attention, goods, money), and, yes, we lie for altruistic social reasons. But aren't these some of the very same reasons we judge others for their lies, to position ourselves as good and moral (self-presentation), to gain something (status, notoriety), self-preserve (establish a feeling of superiority, ‘better than or good-enough'), and social reasons (fitting in)?

As for my bold-faced parking permit lie, admittedly, I didn't feel bad about it even after being ticketed because I considered it a trivial infraction. It wasn't until a highly regarded professor witnessed the visually embarrassing aftermath of my lie that I felt shame. You see, my nicely packaged "press kit" of how I wanted a colleague to see me had been tarnished. So when he asked if it was my car, the only way to self-preserve my self-respect in that moment was to tell the truth. Perhaps Ghandi said it best when he said, "Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony."

How Do You Know that You’re with the Right Person?

At some point in most relationships, people ask themselves the same question, “Is this one the right person for me?” Whether you’re brand new or seven years in, it’s an inevitable question.

The question isn’t necessarily born out of doubt or insecurity. It can be a normal, healthy skepticism to try and balance out your romantic, attachment feelings for your significant other. We may love someone immensely, but still not be compatible with him or her in the long-term.

So how do you know you’re with the right person? How do you know your love will stand the test of time?

Once you’ve moved on from the honeymoon phase of a new relationship — where you’re both enamored of the “newness” of the relationship and exploring each others personalities and histories — relationships tend to settle into a familiar, comfortable pattern. Couples build upon shared experiences that tend to bring them closer together and reinforce their couplehood.

Sometimes along the path of couplehood, however, people in relationships hit rough patches. Those are normal and to be expected. But they can also be signs of greater, unspoken issues in the relationship, and raise the question of whether you’re truly right for one another.

7 Signs You’re With the Right Person

1. Satisfaction is high for both

Relationships that work out in the long-term have one important thing in common — both partners claim to experience high levels of satisfaction with the relationship. It’s working for them, boosting them up on days when they’re feeling down, and sharing in and celebrating each other’s life accomplishments. Both people in the relationship feel like they’re benefiting from it.

You’re in the right relationship if you feel your partner is there for you when you need support, and that the relationship is overall a great addition to your life. In short, it’s adding value to the joy you experience in life.

2. Conflict is handled in a similar or complementary manner for both

Conflict in a relationship is inevitable and normal. It’s not the conflict itself that’s generally a problem, but rather how each person handles that conflict is an important indicator of whether that person is right for you. Two people who have entirely different and contradictory ways of handling conflict aren’t likely to last long.

You’re in the right relationship if you and your partner handle conflict in similar or complementary ways. You don’t have to be exactly on the same page, but you do have to agree on how arguments will be handled and respect each other’s choices and argument style.

3. There is no abuse or manipulation — of any kind

You may think this is a given and that it doesn’t even need to be said. But too many people “settle” for a relationship where abuse — emotional, psychological, sexual, or physical — occurs. Even once is one time too many. A normal, healthy relationship is one where such abuse never occurs because it’s not even on the table. The same goes for manipulation as well. If you ignored little warning signs along the way thinking that you could “change” the other person into doing less of an offensive behavior, you were kidding yourself. You can’t change others — they need to change themselves (and actively work toward such change).

The right relationship for you will not have any kind of abuse or manipulation occurring in it. Love never condones abuse for any reason.

4. You have never been more satisfied in a relationship

If you compare your current relationship with all of your past ones and find that the current one pushes all of the right buttons, that’s a sign you’ve made the right choic

e. You have to be careful with this one, however, because memory is not always accurate in our recollection of the past. We often change things in ways that fit our own internal narrative, sometimes for better, sometimes for worse. So you have to try and be as objective as you can when doing this.

If you can’t remember another relationship that felt better, treated you better, or helped boost your life in pursuit of your dreams and happiness, then you’re in the right relationship.

5. You can’t imagine being more happy and satisfied

Tied to #1, not only is satisfaction high in the relationship for both people, but you can’t imagine being any happier in a relationship with anyone else. People who do imagine other relationships being more happy are typically unsatisfied with one or more aspects of their current relationship. And generally, I’m not talking about minor annoyances (like how he never takes out the trash until he’s asked). I’m talking about significant relationship issues that burden you with their weight every week.

You’re in the right relationship if you can’t readily imagine being more happy or satisfied with another person.

6. You know who you are and what you want out of life

People in a satisfied and happy romantic relationship know who they are and what they want out of life. If you don’t know those things, you’d be hard pressed to say whether you’re with the right person, because you don’t even know yourself well enough to ask the question.

The right person for you will be someone you know you want and need in your life, that complements your personality and expectations, and adds to your life in ways that you most value. If you truly know yourself and your own needs, you also likely know what kind of person you most want.

7. Neither person harbors long-standing resentments toward the other, nor withholds forgiveness

If occasional conflict is normal in relationships, ruminating and holding on to resentments is not. People who can’t let go of past hurts are typically not people who can hold on to a relationship, because inevitably they will find a reason to resent their significant other. Healthy people find ways to let go such hurts with time and forgiveness. Forgiveness is a part of every healthy relationship; withholding forgiveness is akin to withholding love.

You’re in the right relationship if both you and your partner are able to let past resentments go, and forgive each other with an open heart.

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Clear Signs It Is Time to Let Go of Your Relationship

Four Clear Signs It Is Time to Let Go of Your Relationship

Relationships require a vast amount of investment such as time, money, and most of all emotional energy. The more you invest in your relationship the more it shapes your choices and ultimately your life. When you have so much invested it can be hard to let go, for reasons such as worrying about the impact on the kids, wondering if you have really put forth enough effort, or the fear of being alone. But when a relationship deteriorates there is inevitably always a time when the damage has been done and no amount of salvaging can save it. Knowing, when to let go is extremely key to being able to cut your losses, maintain your own mental health and well-being, and move forward toward the better relationship you deserve. Below are 4 reasons that would indicate it is time to let go of a relationship. If even one of these exist it is likely enough of a reason to move on.

1. The goodness is gone.

While chemistry and shared values are important, at the end of the day solid relationships are built on the goodness that exists between two people. Goodness is what holds relationships together. It is the kindness, the good will toward each other, the being on that person’s side even when they might be wrong, the willingness to forgive flaws and mistakes, the tolerance for their annoying habits. It’s the support, the admiration, the respect, the dedication, and commitment you have with each other. The goodness doesn’t generally disappear over-night, it’s something that erodes slowly over time. Behaviors that indicate the goodness may be waning include chronic irritability, anger, distance, meanness, and lack of respect of any kind. Unfortunately, once the goodness fades, there has generally been so much hurt in the relationship, that it is very hard to regain.

2. You are being disrespected.

Respect is one of the most important aspects of any relationship, it even trumps trust because you cannot trust someone who disrespects you. Even small slights matter, because the way someone treats you ultimately reveals their character and their true feelings about you. Disrespect can come in many forms and you may not always fully recognize it on the surface, but you will always feel it. It's that kicked in the gut feeling you get when some normative expectation that exists within the relationship has been violated. Behaviors such as insults, lying, or cheating are all disrespect and what they really show is a lack of concern about how you feel and the impact these behaviors have on you.

If you’re not sure if someone is being disrespectful or just unaware, tell the person how their behavior is making you feel and see what happens. If the person makes an effort to understand your perspective and alter their behavior, then they are showing you that they care, but if they dismiss you or go right back to the same behavior, then they are showing a lack of respect for you and your relationship.

3. You are trying too hard.

The energy flow between two people in most healthy relationships is generally fairly equal. The give and take should allow both people, for the most part, to feel they are getting their needs met. When a relationship starts to deteriorate, it can feel like one person is doing all the work to maintain the relationship, which creates an unbalance and a disconnect. The person doing all the work can become resentful and the person on the receiving end can become more and more complacent. When you try too hard to get someone to come toward you, what generally happens is they move in the opposite direction. If you feel you’ve been doing most of the work in the relationship lately, take a big step back and see what happens. If your partner starts to pick up the slack and come toward you, then the possibility of re-aligning the energy still exists. If, however, you step back and your partner gets angry or continues to drift further away, then chances are he/she isn’t coming back.

4. It’s all about the other person.

While all relationships are different, both people should generally feel there is room for them to grow and develop, to feel their individual dreams and aspirations in life matter. They should feel there is space for their interests to be included in the relationship and that there is enough opportunity for each person’s needs to be met. Relationships that are unbalanced in this respect tend to revolve around one person. The person who the relationship revolves around is generally satisfied with this arrangement while the other person ends up feeling, resentful, used, and like they are living someone else’s life. If you feel like the relationship is all about the other person, try creating some space for yourself and being vocal about your needs, if the other person gets upset or isn’t responsive then it is likely that to find yourself and maintain your own identity, you may have to move on. 

Saying goodbye is never easy, but maintaining yourself respect and dignity are key to your mental well-being and sometimes letting go is the best thing you can do for yourself. Know that when you take care of you, you are putting yourself in the best possible position to be in a happy, healthy, and fulfilling relationship and it is just a matter of time before you find one. 

What is the meaning of Jesus’ sacrifice?

Simple but Powerful: What is the meaning of Jesus’ sacrifice?

Jesus came to give himself as a sacrifice for all peoples so that we could escape our corruption and reconnect with God.  This plan was announced at the beginning of human history, such that even the ancient Chinese knew of it.  It was signed by God in the sacrifice of Abraham by pointing to Mount Moriah where Jesus’ sacrifice would be provided.  Then the Jewish Passover sacrifice was a sign pointing to the day of the year when Jesus would be sacrificed.  Further details were predicted in various prophecies in the Old Testament.

Why is his sacrifice so important?  This is a question that summarizes the whole Bible – it is its main message.  The Bible declares a Law when it states:

For the wages of sin is death… (Romans 6:23)

“Death” literally means ‘separation’.  When our soul separates from our body we die physically.  Similarly we are even now separated from God spiritually.  This is true because God is Holy (sinless) while we have become corrupted from our original creation and so we sin.

This can be pictured with two cliffs with God on the opposite side from us separated by a large gap.  Just like a branch that has been cut from a tree is separated and dead, so we have cut ourselves off from God and become separated and spiritually dead.

We are separated from God by our sins like a chasm separating two cliffs

This separation causes guilt and fear.  So what we naturally try to do is build bridges to take us from our side (of death) to God’s side.  We do this in many different ways: going to church, temple or mosque, being religious, being good, helping the poor, meditation, trying to be more helpful, praying more, etc.  These deeds are often through religion to gain merit and can be very difficult – and living them out can be very complicated.  This is illustrated in the next figure.

Religious Merit and Good Effort – useful as they may be – cannot bridge the separation between us and God

The problem is that our hard efforts, merits, and deeds, though not wrong, are insufficient because the payment required (the ‘wages’) for our sins is ‘death’.  Our efforts are like a ‘bridge’ that tries to cross the gap separating us from God – but in the end cannot do it.  This is because good merit will not solve our root problem. It is like trying to heal cancer (which results in death) by eating vegetarian.  Eating vegetarian is not bad, it may even be good – but it will not cure cancer.  For a cancer cure you need a totally different treatment.

This Law is Bad News – it is so bad we often do not even want to hear it and we fill our lives with activities and things hoping this Law will go away.  But the Bible stresses this Law of sin and death to get our attention to focus on the cure that is simple and powerful.

For the wages of sin is death but… (Romans 6:23)

The small word ‘but’ shows that the direction of the message is about to change directions, to the Good News of the Gospel – the cure.  It shows both the goodness and love of God.

For the wages of sin is death but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord (Romans 6:23)

The good news of the gospel is that the sacrifice of Jesus’ death is sufficient to bridge this separation between us and God.  We know this because three days after his death Jesus rose bodily, coming alive again in a physical resurrection.   Most of us do not know about the evidence for his resurrection.  Jesus’ sacrifice was prophetically acted out in Abraham’s sacrifice and the Passover sacrifice.  These signs pointing to Jesus were put there to help us find the cure.

Jesus said about himself:

 “Very truly I tell you,” Jesus answered, “before Abraham was born, I AM!” (John 8:53)

When Jesus said he was ‘I Am’, he was using an Old Testament name for God.  But Jesus was also a man.  As the Bible says:

For there is one God and one mediator between God and mankind, the man Christ Jesus. (1 Timothy 2:5)

Because he was both human and Divine, he is a mediator between God and mankind.  Therefore he can ‘touch’ both sides of the chasm and span the gap separating God and people.  He is a Bridge to Life which can be pictured like this:

Jesus is the Bridge that spans the chasm between God and mankind

Notice how this sacrifice of Jesus is given to us.  It is offered as a … ‘gift’.  Think about gifts.  No matter what the gift is, if it is really a gift it is something that you do not work for and that you do not earn by merit.  If you earned it the gift would no longer be a gift – it would be a wage!  In the same way you cannot merit or earn the sacrifice of Jesus.  It is given to you as a gift.  It is that simple.

And what is the gift?  It is ‘eternal life’.  That means that the sin which brought you and me death is now canceled.  Jesus’ bridge of life enables us to re-connect with God and receive life – which lasts forever.  God loves you and me that much.  It is that powerful.

So how do you and I ‘cross’ this Bridge of Life?  Again, think of gifts.  If someone wants to give you a gift you must ‘receive’ it.  Anytime a gift is offered there are two alternatives.  Either the gift is refused (“No thank you”) or it is received (“Thank you for your gift.  I will take it”).  So also this gift offered must be received.  It cannot simply be mentally believed in, studied or understood.  This is illustrated in the next figure where we ‘walk’ on the Bridge by turning to God and receiving his gift he offers to us.

Jesus sacrifice is a gift that each of us must choose to receive

So how do we receive this gift?  The Bible says that

Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved (Romans 10:12)

Notice that this promise is for ‘everyone’.  Since he rose from the dead Jesus is alive even now and he is ‘Lord’.  So if you call on him he will hear and give his gift to you.  You call out to him and ask him – by having a conversation with him.  Perhaps you have never done this.  Below is a prayer that can guide you. It is not a magic chant.  It is not the specific words that give power.  It is the trust like Abraham had that we place in him to give us this gift.  As we trust him He will hear us and answer.  The Gospel is powerful, and yet also so simple.  Feel free to follow this guide if you find it helpful.

Dear Lord Jesus.  I understand that with my sins I am separated from God.  Though I can try hard, no effort and sacrifice on my part will bridge this separation.  But I understand that your death was a sacrifice to wash away all my sins.  I believe that you rose from the dead after your sacrifice so I know that your sacrifice was sufficient.  I ask you to please cleanse me from my sins and bridge me to God so I can have eternal life.  I do not want to live a life enslaved to sin so please free me from sin.  Thank you, Lord Jesus, for doing all this for me and would you even now continue to guide me in my life so I can follow you as my Lord.

Amen

By Olonade Olawale (Brain Feels)

WHAT IS BEAUTY?

What is it

Are there objective standards of beauty? Or is beauty in the eye of the beholder? Must art be beautiful to be great art? What is the role of the experience of beauty in a good life? Tayo and Olawale take in the beauty with Alawode Taiwo from 

Pefti Film Institute

Listening Notes

Is beauty in the eye of the beholder? Tayo defines beauty as that which brings enjoyment to the person who looks or contemplates. Tayo defines subjective properties as properties that require subjects of the right sort to make a difference. When we say something is beautiful, are we recommending to others that they should take delight in it? Beauty may be intersubjective, but is it objective? Can we argue rationally about whether something is beautiful? Olawale introduces Alawode Taiwo, professor at Makeup artist. Is beauty both skin deep and in the eye of the beholder? Taiwo distinguishes between surface beauty and deep beauty. 

Ade thought that if we think something is beautiful then we want everyone to agree with us. Tayo proposes the idea that perception is a skill. Would the world be better off if everyone agreed on what is beautiful? Taiwo thinks the world would not be better off because what we find beautiful is a reflection of our personality and individuality. What can we learn about ourselves from what we find beautiful? Taiwo thinks that it illuminates our style. Is taste a function of education and economics? 

Is natural beauty ever better than constructed beauty, like in art or music? Do beauty and happiness go together? What is the relation between beauty and the sublime? Taiwo says that the sublime is our reaction in the face of 

something so overpowering that it consumes 

or obliterates us. There is a saying that truth is beauty and beauty is truth, but is that correct? Tayo thinks it is false. Why does beauty matter?

 By Olonade Olawale (brain Feels)

IS GOD AN ABUSIVE FATHER

IS GOD AN ABUSIVE FATHER?

If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!

Matthew 7:11 (NKJV)

Legalistic religion is so limiting. It implies that God allows pain and heartache either to punish us or teach us things. When tragedy strikes, we’re told, “Well, it’s all part of God’s plan.” The trouble is, we begin to see God as a sadistic, vindictive abuser instead of the loving Father God He is. Today’s verse directly contradicts legalistic teaching. It says that if we as imperfect humans know how to give good gifts to our children, how much more will our loving Father God give good things to us when we ask Him! I’m a father of five and a grandpa, and I love my kids and grandkids. I want them to have the best. I would never intentionally cause them harm. I couldn’t even imagine giving them a cold, let alone cancer, and I’m not perfect.God is the perfect father! If you found out that a father had broken one of his kids’ legs to teach them something, you would report him for child abuse. Yet that's the way many people look at God. In today’s verse, Jesus is saying that if loving earthly fathers know how to treat their kids right, how much more so does God? God IS love! Have you developed an inaccurate picture of God? If so, it’s time to challenge those old pictures and replace them with the truth. As you read the Bible, focusing especially on the Gospels and New Testament, you’ll discover thatyou have a loving Father God who wants only the very best for you!

FREEZING WITH FEAR

Freezing with Fear

Turning Hopelessness into Action.

Have you ever seen one of those amazing animals in the wild documentaries in which a lion or cheetah is stalking its prey, say a gazelle or some other kind of antelope? All of a sudden, the gazelle seems to sense that a deadly predator is near and freezes in place. When the camera zooms in on the poor prey, we can see that its ears and nostrils are twitching and its eyes darting back and forth, but no other movement is apparent. Adaptively, the animal is using its advanced senses to detect where the lion is, rather than running around and risk going right into the hunter. In this case, freezing is an adaptive response to a real threat in the animal’s immediate environment.

Perhaps you have frozen in the face of danger yourself. Have you ever been driving along in your car when suddenly you realized that another car had gone through a red light and was coming right at you? Moments later you hear the crash and feel the impact. Later, you berate yourself: why didn’t I swerve to avoid the ongoing car, or brake harder to stop before it crossed my path? The reason is that you were frozen with fear, perhaps not an adaptive response in this case but certainly an evolutionarily conserved one.

Neuroscientists have learned a great deal about freezing with fear by studying rodents undergoing classical or Pavlovian fear conditioning. When a rat in a conditioning chamber is exposed to a sudden, loud tone it will look up to see where the noise is coming from, but not exhibit much in the way of fear. But if the tone is terminated by a mild electric shock, the animal freezes in place for several seconds. After this initial training, if the tone is presented without a shock, the rat still freezes. The animal has become conditioned to fear a previously innocuous stimulus, now called the conditioned stimulus or CS.

Scientists like NYU’s Joseph LeDoux and Emory’s Michael Davis showed that fear conditioning to an auditory stimulus like this follows a pathway that goes from the rat’s ears to the auditory thalamus to a structure deep in the limbic cortex called the amygdala. The neural impulse first enters a subregion of the amygdala called the lateral nucleus, is next transferred to another subregion called the central nucleus, and is then distributed to several other brain regions. One of these is called the periaqueductal gray (PAG) region, and it is here that the freezing response is initiated. A lesion in the pathway (link is external)between the amygdala and the PAG region pprevent freezen (link is external)from occurring in a fear conditioned rat when the tone is sounded. Brain imaging studies have shown that conditioned fear activates the amygdala in humans as well.

Severe anxiety and fear, then, naturally causes mammals like we humans to freeze. While that may be the best response in some cases, it can be dangerous in others. An example may be our response to climate change. Our response to the dire warnings that we are rapidly destroying our planet by burning fossil fuels and eating red meat could be terror to the point that we are frozen with fear, unable to take the steps to save ourselves.

It has been noted (link is external)many times that scare tactics sometimes work and sometimes don’t. In the case of climate change, we of course want people to be worried. Scientists agree that the earth is warming at an alarming rate that, if unchecked, will lead to a myriad of disasters and make some regions of the globe uninhabitable. Human activity, mostly in the form of burning fossil fuels for energy, is clearly to blame. Only concerted and radical activity on the part of individuals, governments, and societies can save us.

None of this is even slightly hyperbolic; indeed, one could easily use more frightening language about climate change and still be accurate. The question is whether scaring people about this grim and impending reality will indeed motivate them to change their attitudes and behaviors. There is good reason to worry(link is external) that scaring people about the terrors of climate change--massive flooding, out of control wildfires, unbreathable air, and stifling heat waves—is counterproductive and may actually lead to people becoming apathetic and not taking any kind of action at all. The predictions are so dire that we feel hopeless and helpless to intervene. Instead, we freeze with fear, just like the rats do when they see no way out of the fear condition. But perhaps especially kn the case of climate change, that inaction spells doom.

But laboratory science shows us there is a potential solution. Recall the laboratory rat who has been trained to freeze every time it hears a tone once paired with a shock. If that same rat is shown a door that allows it to escape the conditioning chamber when it hears the tone, the neural impulse from the amygdala is routed away from the PAG(link is external), where freezing is initiated, and directed instead to a different brain region(link is external), the ventral striatum, a structure involved in motivated action. Joe LeDoux and I wrote about this phenomenon(link is external), which has been shown to be equally true in humans, as an example of how psychotherapy might help people who suffer from anxiety disorders. Taking an action, we argued in 2001 shortly after the World Trade Center disaster, redirects the fear pathway away from freezing and toward meaningful coping.

This same reasoning might be applied to our attempts to prevent climate change anxiety from causing inertia and instead translate it into action. We should give people environmentally positive tasks that they find achievable and meaningful and then relate them to the larger climate change picture. For example, many communities now mandate recycling of household garbage, but few report back to citizens how they are doing. Instead, penalties are imposed for non-compliance. We know that positive reinforcement is often more powerful than punishment--at least with respect to pre-adolescent children--so why not let people know how many tons of garbage they have recycled and how much carbon dioxide-releasing energy they have saved because of their recycling efforts? Further, perhaps we could give this information not only on an individual basis but on a community level as well, so that people could understand how they and their neighbors are together combatting global warming.

Let’s make people feel successful rather than hopeless in the face of climate change. We have the neurobiological basis for understanding how this can dramatically affect our brain’s response to a challenge. It is time to use that information in order to unfreeze us and turn our fears into motivated action to save our planet.

By Olonade Olawale (Brain Feels)

Why the Hard-to-Get Are So Very Hard to Get

Why the Hard-to-Get Are So Very Hard to Get

For many people, there’s no one as attractive as the one who always seems just out of reach. Even though the person you’re with now never holds back on affection or concern, there may have been at least one romantic partner in your past who captivated you by his or her apparent disinterest in you. It may be that the hard-to-get trigger your inner competitive drives, causing you to feel you have to go all out in order to win them over. It’s also possible that the air of mystery they project stimulates your own need to figure out them out, just as you want to solve a complex puzzle. The hard-to-get may also seem to fit the economic laws of supply and demand. Just as the latest electronic gadget is that much more valuable when only limited quantities hit the market, the affection of the person who’s hard-to-get becomes that much more highly prized.

In a newly-published dissertation, Adelphi University’s Kirby Weinberg put the hard-to-get to the test in order to learn what leads to their emotionally withholding tendencies. Starting with the definition of the hard-to-get as using “a mating strategy in which people feign disinterest to get others to desire them more” (p. 2). Weinberg concluded from the existing published literature that this is a strategy that actually works well, but only in the short term. The personality traits that drive this version of the dating game are not all that desirable in long-term partners. Such individuals can be cold, manipulative, narcissistically entitled, less likable, and actually not that interested in truly intimate relationships. Playing hard-to-get, she notes, is also associated with lacking the ability to be authentic with others, and even with oneself. Digging deeper, the hard-to-get may also be insecurely (feeling afraid to get close or preferring to remain distant), driven by a desire to punishothers, and unwilling to show their true selves.

Weinberg, whose work was conducted from within a psychodynamic framework, believes that the hard-to-get are playing at the classic defensive strategy of pushing others aside to cover up the fact that they feel deeply flawed. As she notes, “If playing hard-to-get is an expression of inauthenticity and inauthenticity is associated with negative traits, then playing hard-to-get might not be such a good thing” (p. 5). High in the quality of rejection sensitivity, or extreme touchiness about being rebuffed, the hard-to-get protect themselves from their “anxiety about desertion, humiliation, and betrayal” (p. 14), perhaps related to constant fear of rejection by withholding parents. They may also be high in the type of narcissism that leads them to seek personal gains and avoid emotional intimacy in relationships. Weinberg states that, “Perhaps the false front that playing hard to get calls for is what is most appealing to pathological narcissists and is what drives them to utilize the strategy” (p. 19).

To test these proposals, Weinberg used a technique known as “mindset priming,” in which she subtly planted in her participants beliefs about authenticity in relationships designed to appeal differentially to people prone to playing the hard-to-get game. Participants read one of two paragraphs that summarized a fictitious research study supporting either authenticity or inauthenticity as better for relationships. The prime for authenticity contained information stating that people in the best romantic relationships felt free to be themselves. The inauthenticity prime fabricated a research finding showing that people who were romantically most satisfied “hide their neediness and dependency” (p. 30). The theory was that people high in narcissism, the insecurely attached, and those high in rejection sensitivity (fear of being rebuffed) would be more likely to advocate playing hard-to-get in the inauthenticity prime condition. Their better-adjusted opposites would be more susceptible to the authentic mind set therefore be less likely to favor playing hard-to-get.

By Olonade Olawale (Brain Feels)

How to Train Your Brain to Think in New Ways

You can train your brain to think better. One of the best ways to do this is to expand the set of mental models you use to think. Let me explain what I mean by sharing a story about a world-class thinker.
I first discovered what a mental model was and how useful the right one could be while I was reading a story about Richard Feynman, the famous physicist. Feynman received his undergraduate degree from MIT and his Ph.D. from Princeton. During that time, he developed a reputation for waltzing into the math department and solving problems that the brilliant Ph.D. students couldn’t solve.
When people asked how he did it, Feynman claimed that his secret weapon was not his intelligence, but rather a strategy he learned in high school. According to Feynman, his high school physics teacher asked him to stay after class one day and gave him a challenge.
“Feynman,” the teacher said, “you talk too much and you make too much noise. I know why. You’re bored. So I’m going to give you a book. You go up there in the back, in the corner, and study this book, and when you know everything that’s in this book, you can talk again.”
So each day, Feynman would hide in the back of the classroom and study the book—Advanced Calculus by Woods—while the rest of the class continued with their regular lessons. And it was while studying this old calculus textbook that Feynman began to develop his own set of mental models.
“That book showed how to differentiate parameters under the integral sign,” Feynman wrote. “It turns out that’s not taught very much in the universities; they don’t emphasize it. But I caught on how to use that method, and I used that one damn tool again and again. So because I was self-taught using that book, I had peculiar methods of doing integrals.”
“The result was, when the guys at MIT or Princeton had trouble doing a certain integral, it was because they couldn’t do it with the standard methods they had learned in school. If it was a contour integration, they would have found it; if it was a simple series expansion, they would have found it. Then I come along and try differentiating under the integral sign, and often it worked. So I got a great reputation for doing integrals, only because my box of tools was different from everybody else’s, and they had tried all their tools on it before giving the problem to me.”
Every Ph.D. student at Princeton and MIT is brilliant. What separated Feynman from his peers wasn't necessarily raw intelligence. It was the way he saw the problem. He had a broader set of mental models.

What Is A Mental Model?

 

A mental model is an explanation of how something works. It is a concept, framework, or worldview that you carry around in your mind to help you interpret the world and understand the relationship between things. Mental models are deeply held beliefs about how the world works.
For example, supply and demand is a mental model that helps you understand how the economy works. Game theory is a mental model that helps you understand how relationships and trust work. Entropy is a mental model that helps you understand how disorder and decay work.
Mental models guide your perception and behavior. They are the thinking tools that you use to understand life, make decisions, and solve problems. Learning a new mental model gives you a new way to see the world—like Richard Feynman learning a new math technique.
Mental models are imperfect, but useful. There is no single mental model from physics or engineering, for example, that provides a flawless explanation of the entire universe, but the best mental models from those disciplines have allowed us to build bridges and roads, develop new technologies, and even travel to outer space. As historian Yuval Noah Harari puts it, “Scientists generally agree that no theory is 100 percent correct. Thus, the real test of knowledge is not truth, but utility.”
The best mental models are the ideas with the most utility. They are broadly useful in daily life. Understanding these concepts will help you make wiser choices and take better actions. This is why developing a broad base of mental models is critical for anyone interested in thinking clearly, rationally, and effectively.

The Secret to Great Thinking

Expanding your set of mental models is something experts need to work on just as much as novices. We all have our favorite mental models, the ones we naturally default to as an explanation for how or why something happened. As you grow older and develop expertise in a certain area, you tend to favor the mental models that are most familiar to you.
Here's the problem: when a certain worldview dominates your thinking, you’ll try to explain every problem you face through that worldview. This pitfall is particularly easy to slip into when you're smart or talented in a given area.
The more you master a single mental model, the more likely it becomes that this mental model will be your downfall because you’ll start applying it indiscriminately to every problem. What looks like expertise is often a limitation. As the common proverb says, “If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.”

When a certain worldview dominates your thinking, you’ll try to explain every problem you face through that worldview.

Consider this example from biologist Robert Sapolsky. He asks, “Why did the chicken cross the road?” Then, he provides answers from different experts.

• If you ask an evolutionary biologist, they might say, “The chicken crossed the road because they saw a potential mate on the other side.”
• If you ask a kinesiologist, they might say, “The chicken crossed the road because the muscles in the leg contracted and pulled the leg bone forward during each step.”
• If you ask a neuroscientist, they might say, “The chicken crossed the road because the neurons in the chicken’s brain fired and triggered the movement.”

Technically speaking, none of these experts are wrong. But nobody is seeing the entire picture either. Each individual mental model is just one view of reality. The challenges and situations we face in life cannot be entirely explained by one field or industry.
All perspectives hold some truth. None of them contain the complete truth.
Relying on a narrow set of thinking tools is like wearing a mental straight jacket. Your cognitive range of motion is limited. When your set of mental models is limited, so is your potential for finding a solution. In order to unleash your full potential, you have to collect a range of mental models. You have to build out your toolbox. Thus, the secret to great thinking is to learn and employ a variety of mental models.

Expanding Your Set of Mental Models

The process of accumulating mental models is somewhat like improving your vision. Each eye can see something on its own. But if you cover one of them, you lose part of the scene. It’s impossible to see the full picture when you’re only looking through one eye.
Similarly, mental models provide an internal picture of how the world works. We should continuously upgrade and improve the quality of this picture. This means reading widely from good books, studying the fundamentals of seemingly unrelated fields, and learning from people with wildly different life experiences.
The mind's eye needs a variety of mental models to piece together a complete picture of how the world works. The more sources you have to draw upon, the clearer your thinking becomes. As the philosopher Alain de Botton notes, “The chief enemy of good decisions is a lack of sufficient perspectives on a problem.”

The Pursuit of Liquid Knowledge

In school, we tend to separate knowledge into different silos—biology, economics, history, physics, philosophy. In the real world, information is rarely divided into neatly defined categories. In the words of Charlie Munger, “All the wisdom of the world is not to be found in one little academic department.”
World-class thinkers are often silo-free thinkers. They avoid looking at life through the lens of one subject. Instead, they develop “liquid knowledge” that flows easily from one topic to the next.
This is why it is important to not only learn new mental models, but to consider how they connect with one another. Creativity and innovation often arise at the intersection of ideas. By spotting the links between various mental models, you can identify solutions that most people overlook.

Tools for Thinking Better

Here's the good news:
You don't need to master every detail of every subject to become a world-class thinker. Of all the mental models humankind has generated throughout history, there are just a few dozen that you need to learn to have a firm grasp of how the world works.
Many of the most important mental models are the big ideas from disciplines like biology, chemistry, physics, economics, mathematics, psychology, philosophy. Each field has a few mental models that form the backbone of the topic. For example, some of the pillar mental models from economics include ideas like Incentives, Scarcity, and Economies of Scale.
If you can master the fundamentals of each discipline, then you can develop a remarkably accurate and useful picture of life. To quote Charlie Munger again, “80 or 90 important models will carry about 90 percent of the freight in making you a worldly-wise person. And, of those, only a mere handful really carry very heavy freight.”
I've made it a personal mission to uncover the big models that carry the heavy freight in life. After researching more than 1,000 different mental models, I gradually narrowed it down to a few dozen that matter most. I've written about some of them previously, like entropy and inversion, and I'll be covering more of them in the future. If you're interested, you can browse my slowly expanding list of mental models.
My hope is to create a list of the most important mental models from a wide range of disciplines and explain them in a way that is not only easy to understand, but also meaningful and practical to the daily life of the average person. With any luck, we can all learn how to think just a little bit better.
 
By Olonade Olawale (Brain Feels)